The moment I opened the door, I knew she was already inside. As always, a gust of wind escaped from my apartment, fleeing into the hallway. It seemed like it always knew something I did not. A warning to not go inside, find somewhere else to run to. But inevitably, I would have nowhere else to go and I would come inside all the same.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re home,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d came the usual voice.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yep.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Anything special happen today?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Nope, the same old.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I see.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
As I closed the apartment door behind me and turned to look down the entryway, she came into focus.<\/p>\n
Like every day, sitting on the couch, thumbing through some magazine. Today, the cover indicated that topic of choice was running. I knew that she had been thinking about running a marathon and the magazine selection fit. But the magazines changed with her desires, one day it would be bicycles, another one she would be reading about Korean food, and interestingly once she had been looking at a sports magazine. Unfortunately, the sports interest did not last long.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What did you do today?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I asked her.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I guess the same old as well.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d No surprise to me. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Just hanging out here. Reading up. Waiting for you. You know, the usual.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Right right,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I said, dismissing her comments as I unloaded from the day.<\/p>\n
Some strands of her long hair hung in the air, barely moving as her gaze remained fixed on the magazine. She always had an interesting way of reading, maybe she just did not like to touch the paper. The magazine laid out open on the coffee table while she hunched over and hovered right above it with her eyes.<\/p>\n
I always told her it would be bad for her back, but she never listened.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s for dinner?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d she asked.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Probably nothing too special. I have some chicken that I probably should cook soon before it gets bad.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh, that should be okay.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Are you joining me?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not eating.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Again, no surprise.<\/p>\n
I sat down next to her on the couch. She barely moved to make way for me, managing to slide her way to the side while still keeping her eyes on the magazine. Not one strand was out of place when she finished her maneuver, everything remaining in place before she moved. I picked up the remote and flipped through the television channels, mainly to find some background noise to fill the room. I knew I would not want to watch anything at this time of the day, but I always hated silence.<\/p>\n
Even though she was right next to me, I could barely feel her. She made no sounds unless you interacted with her. I had to turn and look to make sure she was still there. And of course, every time I thought she was there, she would be.<\/p>\n
Nothing fancy in her outfit today. Unnecessarily dressing for warmth for being inside all day, she went with a hooded sweatshirt of some Midwestern university. She went there, trying to run away from home and had the usual college experience of most people. Average grades, average amount of parties and the average number of relationships. She completed the look with a pair of sweatpants from her rival university. It formed a mismatch of colors which was jarring to eyes and got her a fair share of stares when she wore the same outfit back in school. But that was her objective. Not that she was an attention seeker 24\/7, but as she said, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153everyone likes to be center of attention every now and then.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
It was hard to ignore her now, as she occupied half my couch and I tried to fight her off with some bland sitcom repeat on the television screen. Unfortunately, the show was not quite as enthralling as the first time I saw it, especially in its tenth run towards my eyes and I had no choice but to engage her yet again.<\/p>\n
The conflicting university colors jumped out at me, but I eventually focused in on her eyes. Just a second before she had been focused on her text but as if she knew I was going to turn to face her, she was already set to return my gaze.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153How are you doing?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you already ask me that when you came in?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Did I?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I thought for a second. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, I think I asked you what you did today.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Huh. So you did. Isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t that the same question though?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Not exactly. The words are different.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
She laughed at my obviousness. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So they are. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m doing fine. Just like I was yesterday and the day before.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Her look in her eyes went from a neutral unconcerned stare to a rather sharp gaze. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Nothing changes unless you want it to.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
I could feel my own gaze betray my weakness upon hearing that statement. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I guess that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s one way to look at it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
She again laughed and moved her eyes back to the magazine. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Scared you there did I? A bit deeper than you expected from me, right?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, I guess you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re just saying what everyone is thinking.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re right. You think things just happen? No, people take action.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d She flipped a page in her magazine. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If I want to read more, I need to turn the page. The cover is pretty enough, but you have to open it up to start reading and having fun.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What if you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to see what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s inside?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Damn it, not this crap again.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d She stopped looking at the magazine but did not look at me either. She just focused off into space, some vague piece of the wall. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why get the magazine if you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to read it?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I never wanted all those magazines.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Forget this lame analogy. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s me you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re talking to. You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t need to talk in code.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d She was right. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So what then, \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcbetter to have never loved at all\u00e2\u20ac\u2122? Is that what you believe?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
I glanced out of the window. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, no, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not it of course. I had a great time but, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s just\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Just what?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m just tired of feeling this way.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Nothing changes unless you want it to.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153But I want it to.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do you really?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
The sight outside proved not enough of a distraction so I turned back to face her. Gone were the university sweats, now for some reason she was wearing her Halloween costume from last year. She had decided to go with a schoolgirl themed costume, her long hair was now tied up in pigtails. She told me she loved the simplicity in that all that she had to wear was a white blouse and a pleated gray skirt. Knee high socks and simple black flats completed the ensemble. Being a guy I appreciated the look and it stuck in my mind clearly as one of my favorite outfits of hers.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I said, do you really?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry, I find the outfit distracting.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re the one who liked it so much.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153True. It was simple and cute.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I take it from the fact I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m wearing this now that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not so on board for a change.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d She untied her pigtails to let her hair fall down, which admittedly, I liked better with the overall costume. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153We both know I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not the first on to go through this. There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the girl from high school. Then freshman year. And then that girl you broke up with before you went abroad. And then the girl when you went abroad\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I get it. I get it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
She continued. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And the girl from the work. And the second girl from work.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I get it!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Just saying. This isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t the first time you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve had this dance. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not the first person you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re trying to get over. What\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s so different about this time?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Maybe just because you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re the girl for right now.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
She chuckled. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Right now, huh? Maybe you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re more along the road to recovery than I thought. But see, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re going from girl to girl. Why not take some time for yourself?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve taken enough time for myself. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s because I have all this time to myself that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re here.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
She started to play with her hair. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t deny that. You got me on that one.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Nobody wants to be alone.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah, true. But we all need alone time.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why are you so difficult to talk with?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s why I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m here,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d she said, flashing me a slight smile.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, you by far, are the most attractive out of all of them.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
She turned slightly red, looking away from me when I said that. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t work. But, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know a girl who doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t appreciate hearing that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153But it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t matter, I assume.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, sadly, it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
I got up from the couch and started to prepare for dinner. I had my back turned to her while she remained on the couch. But I could still feel her presence there, burning into my back like someone was staring right at me the whole time.<\/p>\n
I tried my best to keep focus on the work in front of me but I had to turn back around and relieve the pressure building up within. She had gotten up from the couch. In fact she was standing behind me the whole time.<\/p>\n
Gone was her schoolgirl costume, now to be replaced with the outfit she wore the first time we met. Long hair flowed from underneath a loose fitting hat, several strands getting tangled with the red scarf she wore. The collar of her lavender polo peeked out from the purple sweater she wore. A relatively nondescript pair of jeans disappeared into the tight black boots she had on. I think it was the boots that got me that first time.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hello there,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d she said, mimicking that first day. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And what can I do for you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You could go,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I replied, tired of today\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s edition of the daily struggle.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh wow. Impressive. I remember times when I would be with you the whole day. Now you want me to go?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I said I did, didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t I?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you remember the first day? So full of hopes. So full of expectations. You spent days trying to just build up the courage to speak to me and then one day, bam, you see me holding a book.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Her right hand, previously out of sight, suddenly came into view with a copy of the book in question in it. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You thought, \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcShe\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s reading a book by him? It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a sign.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 And so you walk over. You try and play it so you casually notice the book and the girl you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been staring at for hours.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
I looked for something to distract my attentions as I was treated to yet another recollection. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And yes, I know what you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re thinking,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d she said, interrupting her flow. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And no, you shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t break that plate. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the only clean one you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got left.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I put the plate down.<\/p>\n
She continued. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not saying this to be mean.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Then what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s your point?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153The point is, what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s stopping you from doing this all over again? Finding someone else? Other people read this book you know.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s just\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6not yet.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
She sighed and threw the book away behind her. Taking off her hat, she started to scratch her head, a common habit of hers. On her face was a look of submission. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Same as every day. Come on. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not that special. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m just another girl who unfortunately it didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t work out with.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Maybe it could\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t matter. No point in looking back. Get back to me when you come up with that time machine.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Just go.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153So then what? See you here tomorrow?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah, probably.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
A heavy sigh came from her. She put the hat back on. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Forget about me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m trying.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You say that every day.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You say that every day too.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
She smiled. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Maybe I do. Hopefully I won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be here tomorrow.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I hope so too.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I turned back around and got back to work on my meal while I felt the presence burning at my back slowly fade. There was no sound as it just faded away into nothingness. For now I could focus on other things, my dinner, some leftover work, and maybe the latest episodes of my favorite shows if I finished early enough.<\/p>\n
But I knew she would be right there waiting for me when I had a moment to myself and my thoughts.<\/p>\n
Nothing changes.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The moment I opened the door, I knew she was already inside. As always, a gust of wind escaped from my apartment, fleeing into the hallway. It seemed like it always knew something I did not. A warning to not go inside, find somewhere else to run to. But inevitably, I would have nowhere else […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[5],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rolandcarlos.net\/writing\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rolandcarlos.net\/writing\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rolandcarlos.net\/writing\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rolandcarlos.net\/writing\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rolandcarlos.net\/writing\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.rolandcarlos.net\/writing\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rolandcarlos.net\/writing\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rolandcarlos.net\/writing\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rolandcarlos.net\/writing\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}