Giro's Shack

16February2010

Changes (Short Story)

Posted by Roland under: Personal.

Catch the latest piece of writing (and well, the first for this site) over at the writing blog:

http://www.rolandcarlos.net/writing/?p=6

Comments appreciated!

Tags: short story·writing

15February2010

Words on a Page

Posted by Roland under: Personal.

The first step is always the hardest. I’ve set up another WordPress site on my domain that will hold my writings.

http://www.rolandcarlos.net/writing/

Hope to actually stick to it and get some meaningful pieces of work up there. If not, at least I got this far. Feel free to visit and occasionally check in to see if anything is up there.

Definitely looking for feedback, it’s the only way I’ll get better.

Tags: writing

14February2010

In Japan, girls give guys chocolates

Posted by Roland under: Personal.

And so here we are again. Another Valentine’s Day whereupon I fall into the “singles” category. Maybe the best summary of how I feel is from what Seth Meyers said on SNL during last year Valentine’s Day.

“Today is Valentine’s Day, so we just want to say to everyone watching at home: Better luck next year!”

As much as I’d like to try to block out Valentine’s from my scope of awareness each year, it is pretty damn difficult to avoid. Stores with Valentine’s displays, TV shows running Valentine’s themed episodes (the worst being The Price is Right having a couples version of the show) and of course, the aptly named “Valentine’s Day” out for cinematic release this year.

Not that I have anything against couples. Of course I’ll indulge in the couples envy every single person has every now and then, but why should my bachelorhood ruin their day to celebrate? Although really, the best couples don’t need a special day to celebrate their love. That’s why I think the best couples I know aren’t really doing anything super special for Valentine’s because they love each other enough that you don’t need just one day to show it.

But unfortunately Valentine’s does reinforce the fact that yes, I am alone currently and that it’s been this way for a good damn while. If anything, it also highlights the failures of the last several years and forces me to reflect upon them.

It would be a hilarious movie to watch if it wasn’t so real:

Faltering out of the start gate is not a good sign. Do your research.

• In my first year, I met a girl and after getting to know her in class and even switching sections to be in her class second semester (to an early morning section, mind you), I would be blindsided with the casual mention of her boyfriend during one lecture session. Facebook would be released to Berkeley two months later. You don’t know how good it now to figure out that girls have boyfriends from relationship status/photos without having to learn the way I did.

Flowers don’t always equal success.

• After I had asked one girl what her favorite flowers were months in advance of ever planning to buy them for her, my attempt to leave them secretly would be derailed by the fact I was caught by someone as I escaped the scene of the crime.

Never trust other guys.

• During a pretty heated competition with another guy for a girl’s interest, I unexpectedly found myself with the upper hand. After talking with the other guy who said he wasn’t interested anymore, I would later find out that he would make another big move for her affection on a separate trip (where I could not react directly) and he had won her heart. I quickly learned his word was worthless and confirmed the meaning that all is fair in love and war. As far as I know they’re still together, although I usually care not to know.

Sometimes all you get is one day.

• I had told another girl how I felt and given her some time to think about it. It was a big decision after all and I wouldn’t want her to come into something without having thought about it. Then her response came one day. She said yes. Needless to say I was very happy. Success does not come often in the relationship arena for me so I was already now looking to the future with her answer in hand. Walking her home to the apartment for the first time was one of my big life victories. One of the biggest defeats of my life would come soon. Once I got back to my place, I would see an e-mail from her, with an ominous message of “we need to talk.” I would soon learn (within the next day) that she considered her original positive answer too hasty and withdrew her response to change it into a rejection of my confession. Quite possibly one of the quickest relationships on record, I realized I would have rather she said “no” to begin with.

Sometimes there isn’t enough postage to send a love letter.

• I had played a very casual courtship with a girl in my fourth year. While I liked her I never had the courage nor opportunity to tell her how I really felt. We would go on small dates here and there but I would never try and make my feelings obvious. At one point she even said she was not looking for a boyfriend (in a group setting) so I had shut down my feelings at the time. Post graduation I would get the crazy idea to send her flowers on her birthday because really, I had nothing else going on and I’m a very crazy person. She would love the flowers and promise something in return that required I be at home. In my insanity I figured she was coming up to visit me and thank me in person. I prepared a love letter that I would give to her in such a occasion. What I got on the day I had to be at home was a thank you cake. Tasted good, but not quite what I ordered. The love letter remains on my shelf to this day.

Always create a date auction gameplan.

• There was a girl I was interested in and found out she was up for sale at a given group’s date auction. I didn’t know anyone in the group except for her but it didn’t matter, I was going to buy her at the date auction and get her as a date. Bringing my roommate to help back me up (I don’t know how you back someone up at a date auction) I came into her auction feeling good, as most people to that point were being sold for $30. When she came up, her first bid was in the arena of $25. Not a good sign. I would start bidding for her, to the curiosity of most in the audience. It would come down at one point to me, a two different pairs of guys. Bids escalated quickly…$40, $60, $80. Now we were talking triple digits. The pairs of guys combined into one big group of 4 (they all knew each other) to try and outbid me. I started bidding with money I didn’t have, $125, $150, $175. The hosts of the auction kept egging me on. The 4 guys seemed ready, with their combined funds, to outbid me no matter what and deny me this date.

  I would get to the $215 range before I let the group of 4 buy her for $220. Accepting my inevitable defeat and loss of a date, I accepted a consolation hug from her before running out of the auditorium as everyone had seen me bid to ridiculous amounts. I would later learn what happened. The group of guys banded together to try and protect the girl from what they apparently saw as some random stranger bidding on her. Unseen to me, one of the guys had been motioning at the girl with a thumb pointed at me, trying to ask the girl if she knew who I was (and thus I was safe).

  However, the girl thought the guy was asking if he should try and raise the bid up. Of course the girl kept shaking her head no, but the guy thought that meant she didn’t know who I was. So the guys would outbid me no matter what I bid although the girl would have been more than willing to go on the date with me.

  I would accept a consolation lunch from her later (which if you think about it was great, I got the benefits of bidding lots of money on her without having to pay it). I would also learn she had a boyfriend.

Timing is everything.

• Sometimes you just can’t take your damn sweet time. By the time I finally gathered up the courage to tell someone I liked them, I would be treated to a story of them having found someone during the long courtship period I actively chose.

  But then again, maybe life is just making an active effort to laugh at me. Even better is the story of the time I found a girl who self described herself as “always in a relationship”. I told her I liked her and I would find out she was at the point in her life when she now decided she didn’t want to be in a relationship. I couldn’t help but groan at how much the fates were playing with me.

So here we are now. Several hilarious miscues later, I get a lot of pity, but not a lot of action. Admittedly, my lack of success does get to me every now and then. Possibly the one successful relationship I was in, I self destructed on my own end. I don’t talk to that girl anymore (I’m sure she has some sort of vendetta against me) but I talk to almost all the girls I chased after now (post their rejection). That’s quite hilarious in my mind.

I’ll ask myself then, is there really someone out there for me? A person can only take so many defeats before they start to believe that they always will be defeated. Valentine’s only compounds this problem by stuffing it down your throat that you are single on one of the biggest couples days of year.

But inevitably my optimism will come through. I learned long ago that being depressed about something is not going to change things. It’s about dealing with that depression if you want to get out of it.

I choose to look at Valentine’s not as day for couples, but day for love. Even for those of us who are still searching for that love, it’s a day where we can believe in love and we can try and believe in the fact that someday, somewhere, we will meet the person for us if we haven’t yet already.

On some days, it’s harder to believe this fact. Many people will try to apply facts, logic, or rationality to love. How can we possibly do that to something as complex and emotional as love? As a society we’re still not really sure what love is I think. But I don’t think it should be dissected into bits and pieces. There’s no one answer for everything. All we can do is our best and hope that the other person is receptive and has the same feelings for us.

When it comes to love, don’t think. Feel.

Recently, I’ve pretty much rejected the idea of playing games or using strategy when it comes to getting a girl’s heart. If I have to use the tricks, then maybe the girl is not who I wanted. I want to feel that this girl is for me and I’d like them to feel the same way. Admittedly, my refusal to play the games will lead to a great deal of rejections and lot of time on people’s friend ladders (as opposed to the other ladder). It may extend my loneliness just that much longer, but I think if and when I do find the girl who just accepts me for who I am, then I’ll be happy. She’ll have been worth the wait.

This is why I’m typing this all out on Valentine’s Day. In a day where many singles are expected to feel terrible, I’d like to redefine it and use it to come out as single, but proud and looking forward. I’ll look back at what has happened, but not let it defeat me. I have nothing to hide nor do I want to hide anything. If someone wants to get to know me, they should deserve to learn everything.

A happy Valentine’s Day to you! Just celebrate love, in whatever way you want. Who says you need to be in a couple to do so?

A gift for those who read this far: http://www.gigglechick.com/erin/blog/choo_choo.jpg

Tags: valentine's day

28January2010

@rollins31 that pic is so sad, yet SO TRUE.

Posted by Roland under: Personal.

Tags: first date

27January2010

Aftermath

Posted by Roland under: Personal.

Nothing much to report actually. After a ridiculous two weeks in which both my work and personal lives were hit with some ridiculous upheavals, all seems to be back to normal.

That is:

Work wise, I’m still looking for a long term project to get involved with, so I’m still just hanging out in my apartment most of the day, watching the best of daytime television. (Although, there seems to be a remote project I can get involved with…so I’d still be working at home, but at least I would get some billable hours…but I would still be at home.)

Relationship wise, I guess we’re back to where we started before November. I’ll need to relearn how to enjoy being single (i.e. convincing myself that a girlfriend is more trouble than needed) and probably open up Murakami’s “100% Perfect Girl” again. Where do we go from here? Still need to fulfill that resolution I made to go out and meet new people. Now I need ideas for activities that I can involved in. Apparently that’s where these new people are at. Activities.

Tags:

18January2010

Terrible Weekend

Posted by Roland under: Personal.

I guess the prelude to this terrible weekend would be when I had to fly out to Omaha for work. That in itself was not without ridiculousness. At first I thought the project I was working on would have me working from the comfy confines of my apartment in SF. Low and behold I would have to dragged along with the project team to Omaha, a place that I had little to no desire to visit, especially now that it was fighting off freezing temperatures on a daily basis.

Fine. That aside I had to schedule my flight out on Tuesday but with the condition that I be on the ground from 2-4 PM because there was a meeting I needed to take notes for. Do you know how hard it is to try and schedule a flight to Omaha, not exactly the busiest airport out there, but having to break it up among different segments? And for the next day?

So I wake up Tuesday morning and I find that I have a voicemail on my phone. The caller? Delta telling me that my flight from SLC to Omaha (I can’t get enough of SLC) has been canceled and my new schedule now has it so that I will miss the meeting. Making an executive decision, I decide to just move all my flights to Wednesday morning, try to get to Omaha as soon as possible and take the meeting in SF.

Wednesday morning comes and I fly out to SLC on the usual 6AM flight I had taken when I was going out there for work. The plan was to sleep to SLC and then sleep to Omaha so I can be fresh for the Wednesday meetings. Unfortunately, I meet members of the team in SLC somehow and now find myself unable to sleep on the way to Omaha…plus the seat next to me which I had made sure would be free was now filled with another team member.

Exhaustion brought on by Wednesday’s lack of sleep and having to work late made me fall victim to Omaha’s coldness (below freezing temperatures) when I woke up after only 5 hours of sleep on Thursday morning. A sore throat was the prelude to what would come. I powered through Thursday’s meetings but only after my stress levels had made it so high that I pretty much demanded that one of my friends have a “serious talk” with me (long simmering issues that I finally desired resolution on).

Work was not that great either, having to go from meeting to meeting, attempting to keep up while I took notes for the whole day. Friday came and went, although I could tell that my sickness was not getting any better and I pretty much just passed out on the way back from Omaha to San Francisco.

Saturday was relatively okay…well, from an activity standpoint. There was still work to be done, this new project promised to keep me varying levels of busy over the weekend plus the upcoming holiday. Sickness? Yep, still stick, not getting any better (still had yet to reach my peak apparently) and I finally had to basically corner my friend into that serious talk, which they had attempted to avoid ever since Thursday morning with vagueness, hiding, and lack of commitment to be available for a phone call. I had to do it over Gchat at 2 in the morning and the results weren’t that great (probably the worst part of the weekend) but I’m happier now that it was over.

Sunday morning came with a gradual increase in my sickness (not terrible, but still getting worse) and a hilarious turn of events as I dragged myself out to Safeway. I know I shouldn’t have in my sick state plus with the weather being rainy, but there was absolutely *no* food in the kitchen. Thankfully Clive would let me borrow his car to drive over to Safeway, only about 10 minutes away walking but again, I wanted to be away from home as little as possible for rest (and also to watch 24).

When I start heading for the register I realize that I had left my wallet at home. Not a big problem considering I drove except for the fun fact that the Safeway in SOMA is a pay garage (you get free parking when you buy something at Safeway). So, I obviously couldn’t pay for my groceries but I also couldn’t pay to get the car out of the garage.

So, I would walk 10 minutes in drizzle to get my wallet. Then walk 10 minutes back in drizzle to just buy the damn groceries (at least no one took my cart while I was gone).

A fun weekend indeed.

Tags: weekend

12January2010

Fuzzy pictures, just like my memories

Posted by Roland under: Personal.

Celebrated my 25th birthday party with some great friends this past Saturday. Location? Oyaji, an izayaka out in the west side of San Francisco.

Izakaya? You have to drink then!

And well, I guess I did…other people more reasonably enjoyed a pitcher of beer but I went ahead and took care of a bottle and half of sake on my own.

That was pretty much a recipe for some kinda of success…at least I think my friends were entertained. I remember most of the night although I’ll need my friends to jog my memory by mentioning certain things for them to come to the forefront.

I think mainly I spent most of the time raging on the issues that have annoyed me up to this point. The usual. Work, life, love? And I think I furthered the eventual truth that yes, I get loud and pointy when I drink.

Best idea of the night? Probably handing off my phone and camera to Andrew to take of. Thanks sir!

Fun pics from the night can be found here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/rolandcarlos/sets/72157623184687804/

Hopefully this is just a sign of the good times to come in my 25th (really 26) year?

Tags: birthday·izakaya

2January2010

On turning 25…

Posted by Roland under: Personal.

Well, let the quarter life crisis watch begin! As of tomorrow, I’ll be 25 years old =/

As with most people, I guess there are some things in life I’m not satisfied with. That’s probably something everyone goes through at various points in their life, usually at the new year and on their birthday but I get the special surprise of having the two days happen right next to each other, making the impact doubled.

I was talking with my cousin today, I don’t feel like I have the full blown crisis yet (quarter life crisis actually does exist, look it up in Wikipedia) mainly because I’m still in the post graduate mood. Maybe after the next big life/work/relationship change I’ll start thinking more in the “adult” mode of thought but for all intents and purposes, I’m still thinking young (and it’s all about your heart, right? At least that’s what I’ll tell myself).

In no particular order, here are the big new year/new age resolutions I’ve come up with:

Get serious about my Japanese studies.
– Kanji won’t learn itself.

Apply for JET.
– Teaching Japanese kids English? Sign me up.

Continue work on my novel/writing.
– More cliched writing to come!

Take more pictures.
– Got the DSLR for a reason, right? (And that reason is model photography)

Keep working on success in love.
– Nobody wants to be alone!

Make new friends.
– See above.

Tags: birthday·new year

31December2009

Last dream of 2009

Posted by Roland under: Personal.

I had a really strange dream to finish off the year.

I got a message from a girl that she was at some building. For some reason, I was nearby so I ran to the building so I could see her in person.

We had both been in this building before a few times so I knew where she should’ve been. So I went to the 25th floor, but then she wasn’t there. I tried one more floor up on 26 but running through that floor too, I couldn’t find her.

But I had to see her. So for some reason I went back down to the ground floor, thought about the situation and decided to go to the 3rd floor. When the doors opened to the 3rd floor I discovered it was under construction so there was just a wide open space and no rooms.

I tried running through that wide open space to the stairway but then I think I just stopped because I figured too much time had passed and she had already left.

Around that point the dream ended, I might’ve woken up.

A sign of things to come? Hopefully not…

Come on 2010! Give me some better dreams.

Tags: dreams

26December2009

The Day After

Posted by Roland under: Personal.

Great times with family related events on Christmas Eve and Christmas. The saddest part though, had to be the fact that my relatives didn’t decide to get me gifts because they weren’t aware that I was going to be back in Maryland =/ I’m tempted to fulfill that theory next year with a fancy trip somewhere hopefully.

In any case, it’s not so much about the gifts (plus me showing up should give everyone a heads up that I’m around for my all important 25th birthday) but the time hanging out with everyone, for which there was plenty of (and was enjoyable!)

In the aftermath of December 26th I decided to meet up with Cat for some pho, which I had been hankering for days. I would take the journey up into her part of Maryland, the inevitably fancier Montgomery County. Unfortunately, the high (relatively…40s) temperatures had made it so all the snow was melting but also created a weird smoky effect on the roads as it evaporated (probably mixing with the chemicals used to treat the roads during the blizzard). This meant terrible fog and this meant accidents on the Wilson Bridge, so I was super delayed upon meeting her (about 40 min =/ ). Cat, to her credit, took in stride and we sat down for some pho (desperately needed on a cold day) with little incident, although a nearby guy decided I was talking too loud for his liking and told me to quiet down. Who the heck does that at a public place like a restaurant (btw, I wasn’t talking that loud to begin with!)

Anyway, after lunch with Cat, I decided to stop by Montgomery Mall at her suggestion (the place to be “seen”, in her words). Unfortunately, everyone else in the county wanted to be seen so there were car lines everywhere to try and get a space, which I eventually did with some effort. I escaped only with a shirt and tie combo from Express (nothing else called out to me), not kinda the worth the hassle of after Christmas day shopping, but better that than nothing!

Tags: cat·maryland·pho·shopping